marialing

Archive for September, 2011|Monthly archive page

Summer Hiatus – “Rain on me, Lord, Rein me in, Lord, Reign in me, Lord.”

In Uncategorized on September 30, 2011 at 12:01 pm

My last post was in June 2011.  It’s been a long, hot summer – literally, a drought and in many other ways, it felt like a drought deep in my soul but it seems from commentary after the worst parts of this dry spell, that this was and is all necessary.  The work is not done.  The ground is dry and cracked.  Too dry to soak up any rain.

 

I need a good downpour.

 

Always searching.  Keeping still to search.  But not silent enough I guess.  So the drought continues as the forecast hasn’t yet called for rain…

 

The mind has been in electrical storm mode.  Silence did not still the synapses.

 

Tuesday, I read this from Richard Rohr,

TO EVERYTHING A SEASON: A time to weep and a time to laugh Tuesday, September 27

Part of the reason we want to be God is that secretly we believe we have all the answers. Yet God is patient in calling us slowly to ever-greater wisdom. Usually God does this by making our self-constructed world fall apart. Our personal “salvation project” must always show itself to be almost totally wrong; in fact, the refusal to allow this falling apart is what creates legalism and moralism in religions.

The pain of things falling apart is called suffering, and it is one of God’s ways to show us that life is always bigger than we imagine it to be. Faith is what sustains us through this suffering, and it allows us to discover that we can survive only be relying on a Much Greater Source.

God is always drawing us closer, blow by blow and bit by bit. And most of the time we do not even know it is happening.

From On the Threshold of Transformation: Daily Meditations for Men, p. 61

 

It spoke to my sojourn these past 3+ years.  My only thing is, Do I have the faith?  Sure Faith is a gift of God.  But I don’t seem to have the strength or will to appropriate it and fall into the arms of God through the course of suffering.

So I continue in a wilderness journey.  I have all the tools I need to survive this trek through drought-ridden land.  But all I want to do is fall on my face in desert sand and give up and die.

But I can’t.  

And I can’t also because despite the battles in my mind,

My husband speaks of his call to endurance, to endure this life because God said he had to.  He often wishes for the prompt return of Jesus so much so, our youngest has learnt that mantra, too.

I don’t “feel” like enduring.  I don’t “feel” like standing when there is nothing else I can do.

The silence I sought did not free me.  It did not bring me closer to God.  It showed me all those things to be stripped from my life, that have been stripped and continue to be stripped.

Contemplation may have to stop for now.  Back to journal writing…spiritual writing…writing for healing…writing all those stories that came alive in my brain during the summer hiatus…Too much sunshine…

Time for rain…Rain on me, Lord.  Rein me in, Lord, Reign in me, Lord.

Oh! Lord!

Advertisements